But you got to have friends
The feeling’s oh, so strong
You got to have friends
To make that day last long…
I can hear Bette Midler belting out that song about friends, one I played night after night in the wake of my first husband’s death many years ago. It was a song that helped pull me up from the doldrums, reminding me, that despite everything, I was blessed with good friends. Far from my California roots and family ties, my Nova Scotia friends helped me weather the grief and loneliness, always there whenever I needed them, and who celebrated as I regained my footing and created a new life for myself.
This morning, I remembered another dear friend and called to wish her a happy birthday. Lynn and I first met in high school at a church youth fellowship event, then we met again in college two or three years later. We’ve been close friends ever since, although we were often separated by living on different coasts and in different countries.
One of the most wonderful things about our friendship is not only that we’ve shared the major events of our lives—accomplishments, love and loss, the births of my daughters, even having Lynn to officiate my second marriage—but that our relationship is filled with shared laughter, the kind that comes from shared experience and perspectives. As we rang off, Lynn tried to remember a quote she’d heard recently, “something about how shared humor is so important in sustaining a deep friendship,” she said. We laughed because she couldn’t quite remember the words, then laughed again when she commented that ”memory is a team sport” as we age. “I’m lucky,” I said to my husband after the call. “I’ve had this wonderful person–this enduring friendship– in my life since we were teenagers.” Despite all these years and geography between us, we’ve remained close.
“The good thing about friends,” Brian Jones’ poem, “About Friends,” begins “is not having to finish sentences.” So true, but I’d add that the good thing about some friends is that they endure, that you can pick up the telephone and call, and within the first few words, you’re laughing together. There’s comfort in old friends, the ones who know you well, who’ve shared so much of life with you and despite time and distance, can pick up the conversation where it left off even though you’ve not seen one another for months , sometimes a year or two.
It’s something I think about a lot as my husband and I consider where we want to live in the next phase of our lives. We’ve been mobile—and my daughters have too—and now that we have grandchildren, we want to be closer to them than the several thousand miles now between us all. But we also know how important a community of friends is to our health and happiness, especially as we grow older. You’ve got, as Bette Midler’s song reminds us, to have friends.
Friends matter in all kinds of ways. They are important in helping us fight illness or depression. They help us recover from illness, trauma and loss. And in old age, it’s having friends that helps slowdown the aging process and prolong life. In “What are Friends For? A Longer Life,” a 2009 New York Times article, author Tara Parker Pope wrote that A 10 year Australian found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends. A 2007 study an increase of nearly 60 percent in the risk for obesity among people whose friends gained weight. And last year, Harvard researchers reported that strong social ties could promote brain health as we age.
The Mayo Clinic staff agrees. “Good friends are good for your health.” They celebrate the good times and provide support in the tough times. They keep us from being lonely, and we, as friends, return the gift of companionships. Friends, the clinic staff state:
- Increase your sense of belonging and purpose
- Boost your happiness and reduce your stress
- Improve your self-confidence and self-worth
- Help you cope with traumas, such as divorce, serious illness, job loss or the death of a loved one
- Encourage you to change or avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits, such as excessive drinking or lack of exercise
Remember the song “You’ve got a friend?” Written and recorded by Carole King in 1971. James Taylor’s recording of it the same year was the number 1 song on Billboard’s “Hot 100.” Since then, it’s been sung and recorded by dozens of vocalists, including those as diverse as Michael Jackson, Barbra Streisand, Aretha Franklin, Roberta Flack, Barry Manilow and Ella Fitzgerald, among many others, testimony to the importance of the enduring, and true friendships in our lives.
[Chorus:]
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’, runnin, yeah, yeah,
to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will
Now ain’t it good to know
that you’ve got a friend…
This week, write about friends—the ones who matter, who’ve endured or been at your side in difficult or painful times. What binds you together? What is most important in your friendships with one another? Write about a time that your friend{s} made a difference in your life. Celebrate friendship.
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